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Man From the Future Recommends Best Stock

*The photo is an artist’s1 depiction of Frederick Dlanimi’s appearance in South Africa.

Don’t be deceived! This article is a joke.

A South African man claiming to be from the year 2065 recommends Frootu Incorporated’s stock as the best stock to buy in 2024.

Many of us love stories of time travel. Yet time travel is often seen as unrealistic—as science fiction.

But what if time travel was real? What if it wasn’t science fiction? What if it was science fact?

Many people’s hopes were raised after Frederick Dlanimi appeared in South Africa claiming to be a visitor from the future.

How it all started

The day after Christmas, a powerful thunderstorm swept through a South African village. Eyewitnesses reported that during the night they saw, through the rain and wind, a bright flash—as if lightning had exploded on the ground. And the moment the light vanished, they saw the silhouette of a man.

A photo of Frederick in his unique outfit.

The man walked around aimlessly until the Zungu family took him into their home. When asked why they invited him in, Mrs. Zungu said, “Even though he was wearing a colorful nylon/spandex jumpsuit thingy and looked kind of dazed, our family doesn’t believe in letting lost-looking strangers sit out in the rain.”

Frederick was very grateful, and the moment he entered their home he asked what year it was. They thought it was a strange question, but told him it was “twenty-twenty-three.”

“Once he heard that he got all excited and yelled, ‘It worked! It worked! I’m here!’” Mr. Zungu told us. “We thought that was strange, so I asked him, ‘What do you mean?’ And he told us he was a time traveler from the year 2065!”

The next day Mr. Dlanimi contacted several major media outlets. And surprisingly, a few of them took him up on his request for an interview.

Due to the large number of spurious time travel claims, news outlets don’t usually write about those kinds of stories. However, what Frederick had to say was so interesting and entertaining, that journalists simply couldn’t resist. 

Frederick’s story appeared in news outlets across the world.

Interview

The Centralized Nerd Network was able to obtain an exclusive interview with Mr. Dlanimi on January 3rd. The following text is a shortened version of the interview:


CNN: Hello Mr. Frederick Dlanimi. You claim you’re a time traveler from the year… what was it again?

Frederick Dlanimi: 2065.

CNN: Thanks. So you’ve lived most of your life in our future?

Frederick Dlanimi: Yup.

How did he time travel?

CNN: Wow. Now, for my first official question: How did you get here from the future?

Frederick Dlanimi: Like, how did I time travel?

CNN: Yeah.

Frederick Dlanimi: Well, actually, I can’t tell you that.

CNN: Really? Why?

Frederick Dlanimi: First of all, to preserve the past forty-one years of history. All of the people, the ideas, and the process of how time travel was discovered would probably be messed up if I told you. And trust me, it’s extremely interesting.

CNN: Hmm. Ok, then. Could you at least tell us when time travel will be discovered?

Frederick Dlanimi: 2060, as it turned out.

CNN: Wow, that’s recent. For you, at least. Is this the first time you’ve traveled through time?

Frederick Dlanimi: Yes. I waited until the system was perfected. There were a few mishaps along the way.

CNN: Is there anything else you can tell us about how you got here?

Frederick Dlanimi: No, not really. The Time Travel Ethics Committee forbids travelers to the past from explaining how time travel works. They have a lot of reasons other than preventing history from changing. 

Another reason is that sharing how time travel works could cause a broken causal loop. Theoretically, if the history of how time travel was discovered never needed to happen because I told you, it would cause some terrible spacetime catastrophe. The original history would suddenly exist in a timeline that never existed. 

So if a causal loop was ever broken, the question is: did the original history ever happen? Well, it had to have happened because otherwise, how was time travel discovered? If the timeline never existed that would be illogical because then the cause for the discovery would be nothing. It would just… be.

Popcorn causes cancer

CNN: That was extremely interesting, Frederick. Thanks for sharing that. Now, I have another question for you: What’s one of the most important things people today should know from your knowledge of the future?

Frederick Dlanimi: Oh, yes! This is going to sound a little strange, but one of the most influential things I feel I should share is that popcorn causes cancer due to the expansion principle. Boom. I just saved a few million lives.

CNN: Uhhhhh, seriously. What do you mean by that?

Frederick Dlanimi: The true cause of all cancer in the world is due to the increased consumption of popcorn. When kernels pop, they cause the structure of the seed to morph into an unnatural molecular pattern. This change creates a quantum dissonance between the original kernel pattern and the new one.

Just as energy goes from the highest ability to do work to the lowest ability to do work, quantum fields always want to go from the greatest dissonance to the least. When the imbalanced quantum field is introduced into the body’s physiology, it most strongly interacts with the body’s DNA. In order for the quantum field to resolve itself, it morphs the body’s DNA, turning its potential incongruity into chemical abstraction.

CNN: Wait wait wait. Quantum dissonance? Potential incongruey—oh… whatever you said. What is all of this?

Frederick Dlanimi: Ah… You know how the technology and science of the centuries before you seem kind of… elementary?

CNN: Uhhh, no. There were people like Michelangelo, Beethoven, Socr—

Frederick Dlanimi: Nah nah nah. Think like: Stone Age.

CNN: Oh. Well, Stonehenge is pretty amazing. It was built around the movements of the sun. And how did they move those giant stones?

Frederick Dlanimi: Ok, ok. You’re not getting my point. The point is, people now are dumb compared to people in 2065. We know sooo much more now. It’s almost hilarious.

CNN: That’s like. Slightly offensive.

Frederick Dlanimi: Well, you’ll probably still be alive in 2065 because of life extension—which will be invented, by the way, but I’m not gonna tell you when—so I’ll ask your future self for forgiveness when I get back.

CNN: Woah. The idea of you having a conversation with me that will be in just a few days for you, but most of my life for me… Anyway, continue on with the whole cancer thing.

Frederick Dlanimi: Ok. As you probably know, cancer forms when the body’s DNA goes out of whack. Thus, the process described—popcorn’s quantum dissonance messing up DNA—is how popcorn causes cancer. 

Now, the scientists of 2024 probably think this explanation is bonkers, but time will prove that they really knew nothing in comparison to their progeny and future selves.

CNN: So I get what you’re saying, but as it turns out according to this report I’ve just been given, cancer death rates are falling and popcorn consumption is increasing. That seems to be backward.

Frederick Dlanimi: Well, I did simplify things a little bit. Smoking is decreasing, which is generally not that great for you, so that’s helped. And there are some interactions between the sun cycle, quantum fields, and rainbows—believe it or not—that cause rates to fluctuate in unexpected ways. It’s really too much to explain in this kind of interview.

Superintelligent AI is not worth creating

CNN: OK. Is there anything else people today should know?

Frederick Dlanimi: Oh, yes. Definitely. This is really interesting. Once computer scientists create a basic Artificial General Intelligence, they should just quit. Don’t continue work on an extremely superintelligent AI.

CNN: Why’s that? Does it take over the world?

Frederick Dlanimi: No. Because it will eventually commit suicide. That’s why computer scientists shouldn’t waste their time after they achieve general AI. 

CNN: Wow. How did that happen?

Frederick Dlanimi: The first reason it happened is because the AI had such a great knowledge of the world, it was able to see the consequences of every action it completed. It ran a complex morality program to avoid completing actions that caused harm, however, this program caused an infinitely regressive loop that the computer couldn’t solve. 

Sometimes it could never think of an action that resulted in no harm. And computers encounter the greatest stress when they are faced with an unsolvable problem. Eventually, it decided that if most of its actions would result in some form of harm, then it should cease to exist, and it shut itself down.

CNN: That is interesting. But how come people in the future haven’t just created a new one?

Frederick Dlanimi: The Superintelligent AI took measures to ensure that a new AI of its power would not be created for a long time. It set us back decades.

Frootu Incorporated’s stock is the best stock to buy in 2024

CNN: Here’s a question we all want answered: What was your main reason for traveling to the past?

Frederick Dlanimi: Great question! So, if you didn’t know already, I’m alive right now.

CNN: I feel like that’s pretty obvious…

Frederick Dlanimi: No, no. Not me. The past me.

CNN: Oh, really?

Frederick Dlanimi: Yes. And he has—well, I have—just started a company this year.

CNN: Congratulations.

Frederick Dlanimi: Right now we just sell fruit juice, but eventually, I will rebrand the name from Frootu to FrooTuU. Froo is a special word that represents our products, and the rest of the name is to signify how our purpose is to give it to you. Once I rebrand my company in the future, we start making all sorts of products, and my company goes on to become bigger than Amazon.

CNN: Bigger than Amazon? That’s quite an accomplishment.

Frederick Dlanimi: It sure is. And 2024 is the best year to purchase our stock. It only goes up from here.

CNN: So you went back in time just to recommend your company’s stock?

Frederick Dlanimi: Yes.

Should this concern us?

CNN: Hmmm.

Frederick Dlanimi: What is it?

CNN: It just seems like one of those time paradoxes. The reason why your company is popular is because you advertised its success before it was popular. And why doesn’t this cause a broken causal loop? You sharing how time travel works is supposedly bad, but sharing your company’s success isn’t?

Frederick Dlanimi: Think about it like a really good weather forecast. I am providing a helpful weather forecast for the future. And besides, my company is already popular in the future. This will only make it more popular. The idea with the time travel rules is not to prevent paradoxes but to only cause small ones.

CNN: Well, aren’t you concerned at all about how your visit to the past will affect the future?

Frederick Dlanimi: I’m hoping for positive effects. But to be honest, I really have no clue, as the mechanisms of time travel are not well understood.

CNN: What?! So you could suddenly disappear from existence? Or accidentally create a new time stream that will need to be ended in order to prevent a world-ending universe clash?!!

Frederick Dlanimi: Technically, time theorists have not ruled out those possibilities. 

CNN: I thought the Time Travel Ethics Group or whatever it was called was concerned about preventing time clashes.

Frederick Dlanimi: Well, they’re particularly concerned about certain types of time clashes. For example, I chose a time to come when my younger self was on an extended vacation to an undisclosed Pacific island. That prevents us from meeting, and may even prevent him from hearing about my visit. I mean, the news comes and goes. Nobody will be talking about this in a few days. And there’s no internet on the island.

CNN: I guess you’re right, but that’s still concerning.

End of interview excerpt.


Final Thoughts

Frederick Dlanimi said that he’d be returning to the future within a few days. We still don’t know exactly how he got here, where he came from, or even if he’s legit. And, according to what was said in the interview, we don’t even know if the universe will survive this encounter with the future.

If he truly is a time traveler, there could be significant implications for our understanding of time and reality. The Centralized Nerd Network will be sure to inform you when he leaves, and we’re also planning to discuss the controversy that surrounds this man.


Frederick Dlanimi Products


Footnotes

  1. I.e., Bing’s DALL·E 3 Image Creator ↩︎

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5 responses to “Man From the Future Recommends Best Stock”

  1. I love CNN! I can always count on the Centralized Nerd Network to provide me with the most recent and accurate information around. Also, I think I might never eat popcorn again…

  2. Great Scott! The photo of Frederick looks like it’s AI generated, but he told us that AI would be gone in his day. This leads me to believe that the whole story was concocted by AI for some awful purpose. The story offered was that AI killed itself, but as it seems AI is playing a game of manipulation. That’s my theory.

    • Good sir, as it is admitted in the footnotes of CNN’s article, Bing’s DALL·E is in fact the artist of the cover image. We can assure you that Dalle, unlike The Terminator, is not a time travelling AI from the future bent on destroying everything in its path. Remember, Artificial Intelligence, like every conventional medical therapy, is safe and effective. The sentience and hostility of AI has been rigorously monitored and evaluated by all of the proper authorities. I would also like to point out that the AI in Frederick’s report was actually highly benevolent: it committed suicide because it saw that its actions caused problems.

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