Don’t be deceived! This article is a joke.
Frederick Dlanimi is a man wrapped in controversy. While some hail him as a benevolent hero from the future, others believe he is a conniving charlatan.
Two weeks ago, The Centralized Nerd Network reported on Frederick’s arrival in South Africa. Since then, Frederick traveled to Iceland where he disappeared into an ice cave after announcing his new book and saying farewell to the past.
Reporters who followed him to the mouth of the cave said that a few minutes after Frederick had gone into it, they heard a loud boom. Some of the reporters went in to investigate after hearing the noise, but they didn’t find anything.
Reasons why Frederick is a fake
Many people are sad to see Frederick leave. But there is a growing group of individuals who are overjoyed to be rid of him. If you ask everyday citizens, credible scientists, or popular media influencers, you’ll find many who think he is a fake. Zammy Z, a famous alternative rock star said in his classic ziptastic style, “[Frederick] is a zealous zinger of zesty zaniness.” And Dr. McWheezely wrote in his paper, Uncredible Incredibility, “And as for supposed ‘time travelers’ like Mr. Dlanimi, they should get a life!”
CNN also interviewed an eccentric young woman, Franeilia Jacobson, who told us, “Oh, honey, let me spill the beans about that shady time-traveling fibber! He’s spouting phrases like ‘chronological paradox’ and ‘quantum dissonance,’ but it’s all just a bunch of jibber-jabber…. So, I’m thinking about this faker like, ‘Girl, he’s faker than a knockoff Gucci bag!’ Honestly, this lying time traveler needs to take a one-way trip back to reality. Maybe catch the next wormhole outta here, ya feel me?”
After collecting information from interviews, articles, and other sources across the web, CNN has found four main reasons why people think he is a fake: The anti-Dlanimi crowd says he smells fishy because he greedily sought media attention, he didn’t want his younger self contacted, his younger self is in hiding, and he doesn’t know what he’s talking about.
He sought media attention immediately.
What many individuals pointed out was that like many debunked YouTube and Tick Tock “time travelers,” his hunger for media attention was insatiable. In fact, in the month that he was with us, Mr. Dlanimi was featured on more than seventy-nine news broadcasts and podcasts throughout the world! In Franeilia Jacobson’s words: “He’s a big, fat camera hog!!”
However, Dlanimi advocates like to point out that the reason why Frederick came to the past explains why he sought so much media attention. Convincing people to buy your company’s stock, even if you can guarantee its success, is difficult.
He did not want his younger self contacted.
As Frederick said in CNN’s interview with him, “I chose a time to come when my younger self was on an extended vacation to an undisclosed Pacific island. That prevents us from meeting.” Many anti-Dlanimists argue that this instantly seemed suspicious. “I mean, really?” Franeilia’s friend Giaviona said. “An undisclosed Pacific island. This guy is just bleeding sus vibes.”
Not only that, but when a reporter for the New Yolk Times told Frederick they were searching for the location of his younger self, he said (with great emotion), “No! Don’t do that! That’s a bad idea. Please don’t. Please.” Zammy Z commented on X, formerly called Twitter, “Ze zas zoo zemotional. Zit zained zim.” (Translation: “He was too emotional. It pained him.)
His younger self is in hiding.
The New Yolk Times did not heed Fredrick’s advice. They continued researching and discovered that the supposed “younger self” of Mr. Dlanimi and his family were residing on a remote south-eastern Pacific island. According to their friends and acquaintances, the Dlanimi’s had left on a month-and-half-long vacation to the tropical island after Fredrick’s new company, Frootu Inc., didn’t take off as quickly as they expected. Fredrick had said he needed time to “brainstorm.”
Anti-Dlanimists theorize that in the process of brainstorming, Frederick discovered that he had the perfect opportunity to trick the world. Some of them even say that the whole vacation was a cover.
Investigators for the New Yolk Times also found that “future” Frederick and “younger” Fredrick looked exactly the same, even though future Fredrick is allegedly decades older. Fredrick had previously explained the similarities away by citing the eventual invention of life extension. But many people find this fact far too unlikely to be reasonable.
He doesn’t know what he’s talking about.
“It is literally mumbo jumbo,” said Kathleen Kennedy, a Quantum Physicist with a Ph.D. in Quantum Biology. Kathleen wrote these words in reference to Fredrick Dlanimi’s confusing spiel on why popcorn is the number one cause of cancer. Frederick said that the quantum dissonance created by popping popcorn resolves itself by morphing DNA after it is consumed, thus, causing cancer.
Kathleen’s colleague, a biochemist named David Barcelona, agrees with her assessment. “Fredrick’s words,” David said, “sound more similar to New Agey concepts of ‘balance’ and ‘harmony’ than anything that resembles science. Either he made it up while suffering hypoxia during a spiritual cleanse on the top of Mount Everest, or he got the idea from ChatGPT using the prompt: ‘Tell me the weirdest and most dumb thing you can think of.’”1
Additionally, science fictions experts say that Frederick’s tale of a superintelligent AI that committed suicide sounds familiar. They argue that his tale seems like a creative rehashing of a story from Asimov’s famous book, I, Robot. In the book, there is a story about a mind-reading robot who dies after it is presented with an unsolvable problem.2 Similarly, the AI in Fredrick’s story commits suicide after encountering an impossible dilemma.
Oh, and he’s money hungry.
In addition to all of these points, anti-Dlanimists emphasise that his main motivation for time traveling was for money. Frederick informed us that the stock for his personal company, Frootu Inc., was the best stock to buy in 2024.
As previously mentioned, the opposition to Dlanimi argue that Frederick created the whole farce of him being a time traveler to boost his company’s stock and popularity.
Dlanimism
Many people think Frederick is crazy, but there’s a new belief system called “Dlanimism.” What began as a Frederick Dlanimi fan club turned into an entire worldview system! Dlanimism celebrates the hope of the coming age Frederick described.
Dlanimist’s have a number of counterpoints to the ones made in this article. CNN will report on these at a future date.
That’s all for now
To sum things up, anti-Dlanimists are glad that Frederick has left the public eye. They believe he is a complete fake who made a big deal out of himself just for money. And that he’s a crazy, media monger who is now returning to his secluded hideout in the Pacific Ocean.
Though it’s rather disappointing, the facts seem to be against Fredrick being a real time traveler. Even so, do you still believe time travel to the past is possible?3
Popcorn Causes Cancer – For Idiots!
Fredrick’s new book, Popcorn Causes Cancer — For Idiots!, is coming out soon! Fredrick wrote the book in response to questions about his hard-to-understand reasons explaining why popcorn causes cancer.
Fredrick has assured us that even the dumbest of us will be able to understand his book. And that it’s sure to be a treasure you’ll keep on hand wherever you need it.
Footnotes
- I gave this prompt to ChatGPT, and it replied with, “How about a toaster that can only toast bread if you recite Shakespearean sonnets to it while hopping on one foot?” ↩︎
- This story is in the chapter titled, Liar! ↩︎
- This sentence needed to be worded carefully for two reasons. (1) Everyone’s technically time traveling to the future all of the time. It’s called living life. (2) We now know that if you speed yourself up really fast or travel go near something with a lot of gravity, you can travel into the far future much quicker than just living your life and waiting for things to happen. The only problem is that once you travel to the future, you can never get back to the past. ↩︎
2023 by the Centralized Nerd Network